Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
