Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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