hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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