4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
