I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
