god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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