just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
