So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
