I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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