hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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