so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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