her vagine was all disorganized.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
