having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
