New invention idea: vibrating tampons
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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