I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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