Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
