I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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