I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
