There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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