my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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