i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
