our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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