her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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