I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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