this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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