how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
