I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
