Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
