I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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