I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I AM VODKA MAN
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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