What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
