life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
