Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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