I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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