I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
