Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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