I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
