dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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