I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
