hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
