A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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