She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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