No stitches, just platelets and will power
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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