I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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