A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
