He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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