just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
