On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
