Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
