come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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