mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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