At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
