Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
