just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
